Dealing with Mourning
You will frequently encounter people who are in mourning. It can occur after
many events such as loss of a loved one, including pets, relationship breakup,
job loss, loss of physical or mental ability due to accident or illness, and
many other situations. As a professional it is important to understand that
behavior by clients in mourning may be surprising. It is important to not take
it personally.
The five stages of mourning are:
- Denial and Isolation: The first reaction is to
deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize
overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate
shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary
response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
- Anger: As the masking effects of denial and
isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The
intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and
expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects,
complete strangers, friends or family. We feel guilty for being angry, and
this makes us more angry.
- Bargaining: The normal reaction to feelings of
helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. If
only ...... Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an
attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to
protect us from the painful reality.
- Depression: Two types of depression are
associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical
implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate. We worry
that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us.
This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a
bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression
is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet
preparation to separate and to bid farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a
hug.
- Acceptance: Reaching this stage of mourning is
a gift not afforded to everyone. The end may be sudden and unexpected or we
may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of
bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make
our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period
of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
By fully understanding these stages you will be better equipped to give
people the emotional support and space to go through their process. It is not
appropriate to counsel your clients. It is appropriate to respect their process
and let them know that you care.
Remember, it is impossible to understand how they feel, even if you have been
through a similar situation. The mourning process is based on the sum total of
that person's life experience so unless you have had an identical life, which is
highly unlikely, you cannot possibly know how they feel. However, you can let
them know that you are comfortable with anything they would like to express.
By being 100% present for them during their time of crisis, you will make a
tremendous contribution to their healing process. This level of compassion will
generate good will and future success as well as a great feeling of having done
something worthwhile.